Where do we go from here?

It was a couple of years back. I woke up from a good night sleep in my own bed at home after weeks of sleepless nights in preparation for our feasibility studies presentation which was finally over and the semester was at its end, I was back home at last. I went straight to my parents’ room as I was so accustomed to every morning that I was at home. There I found my mom still sleeping so soundly, maybe she was as tired as I was because each night that I have spent at my classmate’s house where our feasib group was preparing our presentation, she would come at 12 midnight bringing us food thinking that we might be famished with all the work that we were doing. I remember my heart was filled with so much love and gratitude for having a mother so caring, so selfless, so like herself.

She was never a stage mother, my mom. I remember my elementary teachers asking for her during our annual recognition day when my parents were supposed to come to be presented with the medal that I have earned each year for ranking first in our class, but my mom doesn’t like going to such assemblies, not because she didn’t appreciate my effort or that she wasn’t proud but because, as she would always put it, “Your teachers will not see me basking in your glory but they sure as hell would see me in your times of need.”

True to her word, my mom has been with me in all aspects of my life. She was there to lift me up when I fell down and failed to achieve a dream. She fought my battles for me when I was too weak to do so. Her eyes glimmered with pride when I told her that I was to graduate cum laude and that I was chosen to be the Presidential Awardee among all the graduating students from our university. She prayed for me and with me each time I implore God’s intervention for any petition particularly for the CPA board exams. She cried with tears of joy with me when I triumphed over the licensure tests. She was supportive of me when I told her the career path that I wanted to pursue. She shared my joys when I told her that I was getting married. Through it all there was only one person who stood by me, my mama.

I have said it before and it still remains true, I owe most, if not all, of what I have become to my mom who has filled my life with so much love, support, strength of character and faith in God. I have never fully understood how someone could give so much and expect so little, if not none at all, in return. Her love was a steadfast rock which has comforted me as I try to live my life knowing that although I may not be sure of whatever lies ahead of me, I am certain of her affection. And now that she has left us, I am not sure how to go on.

My heart is filled with a sorrow that I have no idea how to quench, in my mind there is a void that I know will never be filled again. When I saw the picture that Junfer took when we where having lunch for Father’s Day, it was a picture of me, my sister Miray and my papa, there was this overwhelming sadness from the thought that that picture will never be again complete.

Where does one go after loosing someone so dear, so important, so beloved? How could I surpass a challenge without the assurance of her voice, how could I overcome my fears without her hand to steady me and how could I go on knowing that she is no longer there to rescue me? How long will I allow my heart to mourn for her loss, for I know that if it were up to my heart, I will not stop lamenting? How do I move on?

During these times, it’s still my mama who gives me strength. The courage that she has shown me and the faith that she has instilled in me urges me to take refuge in the knowledge that she is now at peace and with our creator.

Mama, I know that wherever you maybe, you know how deeply we love you and how bereaved we are for loosing you but as you always say, I know that you will never cease loving us. As for me, I know that I may have lost the loving mother, a confidante, a dear friend and a knowing teacher but I have gained an angel who will watch over me till the last of my days are over. I love you mama and I miss you with all my heart.